Star Trek: Insurrection was a stupid, stupid movie. And so, way back in the prehistoric mists of the 20th century (1999 to be exact) I wrote this parody. Yes, it's loaded with late-90s humor. But that may just make you love it more.
STAR TREK
I
N C O R R E C T I O N
A parody of Star Trek:
Insurrection
[FADE
IN on the Ba’ku village. The camera moves around the village, showing the
people weaving rugs, baking bread, and watering crops. Words that say things
like “Starring Patrick Stewart” appear, but the villagers are oblivious to
them.]
[CUT
TO the interior of the duck blind. The Starfleet and Son’a people are watching
the village through a large window. Every now and then one of the guys in the
invisible red suits is seen walking through the village.]
Ensign
#1: Sir, I’m detecting words appearing out of thin air in the village!
Female
Lieutenant: What do they say?
Ensign
#1 (looking at his instruments): Associate Producer Patrick Stewart . . .
Directed by Jonathan Frakes . . .
Female
Lieutenant: Oh no.
Female
Lieutenant: It’s another one of those Star Trek movies!
[CUT
TO Captain Picard’s quarters on the USS Enterprise]
Crusher:
Which idiot approved the design for these dress uniforms? We look like the crew
of the Love Boat!
Picard:
Your Associate Producer likes them very much. Say the greeting again.
Troi:
[Alien greeting].
Picard:
What?
Troi:
That’s what is says here in the script: “[Alien greeting]”.
Picard:
Let me see that. (Takes the script out of her hand). I can’t believe it.
[Riker
walks in]
Riker:
Captain, the Munchkins have arrived, they’re eating the-
Picard:
Is Rick Berman trying to make a fool out of me or what?
Riker:
Huh?
Crusher:
He’s mad because there’s no alien greeting in the script.
Riker:
Mike Piller was supposed to make something up. He must’ve forgotten. (To
Picard) You’ll have to do it.
Picard:
Me? Look, I’m not just “Actor Patrick Stewart” anymore, I’m an Associate
Producer! It’s not my job to make up funny words!
Riker:
Well, somebody has to do it, and if you walk into that reception and say
“[Alien Greeting]” it’s going to be pretty hard for the audience to suspend
their disbelief.
Crusher:
Are you kidding? The audience already believes that it’s worth eight bucks to see
this movie.
Troi:
She’s right, they’ll believe anything. Now let’s go, we’re late already
[They
leave his quarters and start walking down the hall]
Crusher:
I don’t understand why we have to film this scene with those little munchkin
aliens, anyway. It’s not like it has anything to do with the rest of the movie.
Riker:
Yeah, but it allows us to have some humor at the Captain’s expense.
Picard:
You know, I thought we decided that audiences like me as a Bruce Willis-style
action hero rather than a comedic buffoon.
[They
step into the turbolift]
Picard:
Can anyone remember when we used to be on television?
Riker:
So, what do we know about our guests?
Troi:
It says here that they achieved warp drive only last year.
Crusher:
And the Federation decided to make them a protectorate so quickly?
Picard:
Well, in view of our losses to Star Wars and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the
studio feels that we need all the fans we can get these days.
[The
turbolift doors open, and Picard and friends head for the reception area.]
Troi:
Now remember, Captain, you’re expected to dance with the Regent Cuzar.
Crusher:
Can she mambo?
Picard:
Very funny, Doctor.
[They
arrive at the reception]
Worf:
Better a mambo than the Lambada.
Picard:
Mr. Worf! What are you doing here?
Worf:
The sixth season of DS9 just wrapped a few minutes ago, so I came to see what
you were up to.
Picard:
There’s a line we’ll have to edit out of the movie. Excuse me, I have to go and
meet our guests.
Troi:
Remember to say the special greeting!
[He
walks up to where the contingent of munchkin-people is standing]
Picard:
Chewbacca Ferengi, Regent Cuzar.
Regent
Cuzar: You honor us with your greeting, Captain. Allow me to greet you in the
time-honored tradition of my people.
[She
holds up a beaded necklace-like thing. Picard stoops down, and she places it on
top of his head. He forces himself to smile as he stands back up]
Regent
Cuzar: We are so honored to be accepted into the great Paramount
family.
Picard:
We have a dance later, I believe.
Regent
Cuzar: Yes, and the director, Mr. Frakes, says it’s going to be onscreen! I’m
looking forward to it.
Picard:
Counselor . . .
Troi:
Chewbacca Ferengi? No wonder she put that thing on your head.
Picard:
That’s not what I’m talking about.
[Geordi
pushes his way through the crowd]
Geordi:
Captain! [He notices Picard’s headdress] What’s that thing on your head?
Picard:
You have something to report, Mr. LaForge?
Geordi:
Oh, yes sir. Admiral Dougherty’s aboard a Son’a ship in Sector 441, and he’s
requesting Data’s schematics.
Picard:
Hmm, I wonder why. The Starfleet Command science fair is months away. Geordi,
set up a secure comlink with the Admiral in the anteroom.
Geordi:
What? In your auntie’s room? And aren’t comlinks those little microphone things
that stormtroopers carry around in Star Wars?
Picard:
Go into that little room over there with the glass door and get the Admiral on
the screen. Now, or I’ll have you sent back to Reading Rainbow!
Geordi:
Are you gonna wear that headdress thing for the rest of the movie?
Picard:
GO!
Geordi:
Okay, okay.
[Picard
starts to follow him, but is stopped by a big blue guy]
Big
Blue Guy: Captain, I’m Dr. Forgettable. Did you ever read that episode idea for
Voyager that I sent in?
Picard:
Huh?
Big
Blue Guy: You know, the one where Jeri Ryan and I get stranded on a deserted
planet. Say, what’s that thing on your head? Are you going to wear it for the
rest of the movie?
Picard:
You know, I hear George Lucas is looking for a blue guy for the next Star Wars
movie. They’re filming in Tunisia
[He
walks away and enters the anteroom. Admiral Dougherty is on a little screen]
Dougherty:
Data’s gone bezerk; he spent most of our special effects budget on a shootout
at the beginning of the movie, and now he’s holding our people hostage on the
planet.
Picard:
We can be at your position in a couple of scenes.
Dougherty:
That’s probably not a good idea. They’re calling this whole area the Briar
Patch, it’d cost a fortune in special effects if we put it in the movie. Just
get me Data’s schematics. Dougherty out.
Picard:
Maybe he’s holding out for more money.
Geordi:
That can’t be it; he already signed his contract.
Picard:
Send the Admiral Data’s schematics. We’re going to stop by the Briar Patch on
the way to wherever we were supposed to be going. The Admiral obviously doesn’t
know that we’re doing all our effects in CGI. It’s much cheaper.
Geordi:
Yeah, I can tell.
[CUT
TO The Briar Patch. Ru’afo’s ship emerges from a dust cloud and heads for the
Ba’ku planet]
[Inside
the plastic surgery salon. Ru’afo is getting his head stapled]
Ru’afo:
I never should’ve let you talk me into that duck blind in the first place. This
movie has been one Paramount blunder after another.
Dougherty:
Doesn’t that hurt?
Ru’afo:
What, the staple gun? It's nothing compared with the insipid dialogue I've got
to recite for the rest of the film.
[The
room shakes as the ship is hit by weapons fire]
Ru’afo:
What was that?
Dougherty:
Sounds like more special effects money being wasted. At this rate there’ll be
nothing left for my salary.
[On
the bridge]
Ru’afo:
Report!
Alien
#1: That blast came from the Death Star! That thing’s operational!
Ru’afo:
What?
Alien
#1: Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that.
[The
Federation scout ship flies by]
Dougherty:
That’s another 50 thousand bucks down the drain.
[Setting:
The USS Enterprise as it warps toward the Briar Patch]
Geordi:
Captain, we’re about to lose all contact with Paramount
Picard:
Do you have the files you need?
Troi:
We’ve downloaded the complete script for this movie from the Internet.
Picard:
Good. Now go down below and get frisky with Commander Riker. Ensign, take us
in.
[A
bunch of special effects and dramatic music as the Enterprise
Riker
[reading from computer screen]: It says here that you and me have a bathtub
scene later. Wow!
Troi:
Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.
[Back
on the bridge]
Picard:
Geordi, what are you doing at the helm station?
Geordi:
Weren’t you supposed to say something about the torque sensors?
Picard:
The audience doesn’t care about the torque sensors, they care about why the
production is paying you to sit there instead of some nameless extra. That’s
money we could be spending on entertaining special effects, you know.
[Worf
enters the bridge]
Picard:
Commander Worf, you’re late. I don’t know how they do it on DS9, but on The
Next Generation we still report for our scenes on time.
Worf:
Sorry, I was just busy modifying this tricorder with one of Data’s on/off
switches. All we have to do is get him on camera with us, and then hit this
little button here to turn him off.
Geordi:
Captain, the Son’a ship with Admiral Dougherty has just entered tracking range.
They’re hailing us.
Picard:
On screen.
[Dougherty
and Ru’afo appear on the viewer]
Dougherty:
Captain, we weren’t expecting you.
Picard:
I can see you haven’t read the script.
Dougherty:
I wish I had better news. Data attacked us in the mission’s scout ship
yesterday. Ru’afo and I have decided to send down an assault team before he
spends more special effects money.
Picard:
Worf and I have this idea with a tricorder. You see, all we do is hit a button,
and-
Ru’afo:
Your android has turned dangerously violent, Captain! You should see what he
did to the pinstriping on my ship! He must be destroyed!
Picard:
If our first attempt to capture Data fails, I will fire him. I should be the
one to do it, I’m the Associate Producer. And the star of the movie.
Dougherty:
Very well. We’ll head out to the perimeter to call for Son’a reinforcements in
case you fail. You have twelve hours, Captain.
[A
shuttlecraft flies out of the Enterprise
Picard:
Any sign of Data’s ship?
Worf
[peering out the window]: Not a thing.
[The
shuttle is suddenly hit by phaser blasts]
Picard:
You fool! Look in the rear view mirror next time! I’m taking us into the
atmosphere.
Worf:
He has activated a transport inhibitor. I cannot beam him out.
Picard:
Hey, I have an idea! Do you know Mr. Rogers?
Worf:
Who?
Picard:
Mr. Rogers. He has a neighborhood. Data was working on a children’s production
before he left. Open hailing frequencies.
Worf:
Hailing frequencies open.
Picard
[singing]: It’s a beautiful day in the
neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Won’t you be mine?
Won’t you be mine? Sing, Mr. Worf.
Worf:
No way!
Data
[singing]: It’s a neighborly day in the
beautywood
A neighborly day for a
beauty
Won’t you be mine?
Won’t you be mine?
Picard:
Sing, Worf! That’s an order!
Picard,
Data and Worf: I have always wanted to
have a neighbor
Just like
you
I’ve always wanted to live
in a neighborhood with you
[Data
suddenly beams over to Picard and Worf’s shuttle, sits down in an empty chair,
and starts taking off his shoes]
Picard
[aside to Worf]: This is too easy.
Picard,
Data and Worf: So
Let’s make
the most of this beautiful day
Since we’re
together, we might as well say
Won’t you be
mine, won’t you be mine
Won’t you be my neighbor
Won’t you
please
Won’t you
please
Please won’t
you be
My neighbor
Data:
Hey, where are my tennis shoes?
Picard:
Now, Mr. Worf!
[Worf
hits the button on the tricorder, and Data falls over]
Worf:
I can’t believe this was in the script.
[Later,
in the Ba’ku village. Picard, Crusher, Troi, and a security team beam down. The
hostage Starfleet and Son’a people are sitting at two picnic tables]
Crusher:
Are you sure these people are dangerous?
Picard:
The Admiral thought so. I can’t believe he’d lie.
Troi:
Obviously, you haven’t read the script either.
Ba’ku
Villager: Mr. Stewart, can I have your autograph?
Picard:
Shh, don’t call me Mr. Stewart while the cameras are rolling. [He signs for the
villager]
Ba’ku
leader: My name is Sojef. Welcome to our village. Would you like something to
eat?
Picard:
No thank you. We’re here to, uh, rescue them.
Sojef:
As you wish, but I would ask you to disarm yourselves. This village is a haven
of peace.
Security
Guard #1: Oh, don’t worry about our phasers. They’re just props.
Picard:
Shut up, Ensign! You must excuse him, it’s his first acting job -- I mean, Away
Team mission. Anyway, it was our impression that these people were being held
against their will.
Anij:
It’s not our custom to have visitors here at all, much less hold anyone against
their will.
Sojef:
The artificial lifeform would not allow them to leave. He said that they were
our enemies and that more would follow.
Anij:
Are you our enemies?
Picard:
Certainly not. In fact, I believe you’re supposed to be my love interest for
this movie.
Anij:
Oh, great. As soon as this scene is over, I’m going to fire my agent.
Sojef:
Oh, yeah. I’m supposed to say that we don’t use technology and we have warp
drive capability and stuff.
Picard:
No one cares. I think we’ll beam up now. (to Anij) See you later, sugar buns.
Anij:
Sorry, Star Trek fans, but Captain Picard will not come out of this movie
alive.
[Later,
in Picard’s ready room. Picard is talking to Dougherty on his little terminal]
Picard:
And because they have warp drive technology, the Prime Directive doesn’t apply.
Dougherty:
Who cares about the Prime Directive?
Picard:
The fans, Admiral. If we don’t mention the Prime Directive at least once in
every movie, the studio is deluged with angry letters.
Dougherty:
Well, good job. We’ll swing by and pick up the personnel and equipment on your
way out.
Picard:
You’re not finished here?
Dougherty:
Oh, just a few loose ends to tie up. Dougherty out.
[Troi’s
office. The door chime rings]
Troi:
Come in
Riker:
Hi. You got a minute?
Troi:
What do you want?
Riker:
Well, this is the scene where I kiss you and you say ‘yuck’.
Troi
(pushing him out the door): Why don’t I just save time and say ‘yuck’ now
without having to kiss you?
[She
locks the door before he can push his way back in]
[Meanwhile,
in Engineering]
Geordi:
Well, we messed around in Data’s head, and found these things. (he holds out
his hand to Picard)
Picard:
You found burnt french fries?
Geordi:
No, they’re memory engrams. When Data was shot by the Son’a it triggered his
ethical and moral subroutines, and then-
Picard:
Look, no one’s going to come see this movie if all you do is spout
technobabble. Just let Data out of that little booth, then go regain your sight
or something, okay?
Geordi:
All right, all right. (he punches some keys, and Data’s little booth opens)
He’s all yours.
Data:
Geordi? Captain?
Picard:
You’re on the Enterprise
Data:
Why do you ask?
Picard:
Because I want an excuse to go back down to the planet and flirt with that Anij
chick. You know, the one who’s supposed to be my love interest.
Data:
Anything you say.
[Back
on the planet, Picard, Data, Sojef, and Anij are taking a walk. They come up to
Sojef’s son Artim and his friend, who are playing in a tree.]
Sojef:
Artim, do you remember where you were on the Day of Special Effects when the
artificial lifeform appeared to us?
Artim:
In the hills by the dam.
Picard:
Can you show us?
Artim:
Yeah.
[Artim
and his friend jump out of the tree and run toward the lake. Data tries to
catch up with them]
Data:
There is no reason to fear me. I am now smooth as an android’s bottom.
Artim:
What?
Data:
Sorry, wrong line.
Artim:
Daaad! Help! [He runs away]
Data:
Captain, I believe the young boy is afraid of me.
Picard:
I would be too, if you walked up to me and started talking about your bottom.
[They
reach the lake]
Data:
Tricorder functions are limited due to the presence of some kind of
technobabble in the script.
Picard:
Why don’t you try walking under the water or something?
Data:
Good idea. [He walks into the lake. Pretty soon, he vanishes under the water]
Artim:
Can he breathe under water?
Picard:
That’s not actually Data, that’s his stunt double.
Artim:
Can the stunt double breathe?
Picard:
Stunt doubles don’t need to breathe.
[A
couple minutes later, Data emerges from the lake]
Data:
Captain! I think I have found something!
Jonathan
Frakes: Cut, cut! Brent, you were making a face when you came out of the water!
Brent
Spiner: Oh yeah? I’d like to see you put on this makeup and then submerge
yourself in freezing water without making a face!
Frakes:
Look, we’ve gotta do another take. The face just won’t work, I know it.
Spiner:
Yeah, well you’ll be doing it with the guy you recast in my role because I
ain’t doin’ another take! How’d you like to explain away why another guy’s
playing Data, huh?
Frakes:
All right, have it your way. Next scene!
[Data
turns the big wheel to raise the dam. As the water level in the lake drops, a
big semitransparent thing becomes visible. Picard begins walking to the little
raft tethered on the end of the dock. Data follows him]
Artim:
It looks like a big hunk of Jello.
Data:
The special effect is clearly Paramount in origin, Captain.
Picard:
Just a few loose ends to tie up . . .
Anij:
I’m coming with you.
Picard:
Had a change of heart, sugar buns?
Anij:
Look, the love interest thing is in my contract. But if you call me “sugar
buns” again you’ll be digesting that oar.
[They
row out to the holoship. Data hits some buttons on his tricorder, and the doors
slide open to reveal a holographic recreation of the Ba’ku village.]
Anij:
Hey, what's the village set doing in here?
Picard:
How'd they move all those set pieces so quickly?
Data:
It is not the same set. It is a holographic projection.
Picard:
Don't be ridiculous, Data. You know that all that 'holographic projection'
stuff is just another overused plot device.
Data:
Not while the cameras are rolling it isn't.
Picard:
Oh, right. I forgot. (He adopts a serious, frowny expression) What I meant was,
why would anyone create a hologram of the village, except to prolong this
movie?
[A
Son'a starts shooting at them]
Anij:
I think I'll go jump in the lake so Data can do his "inflation device
joke".
[Picard
and Data pull their phasers and start shooting back at the Son'a. The Son'a
stupidly jumps out where they can get a clear shot at him, and he gets nailed
in the chest.]
Picard:
Well, that takes care of that. Now let's go rescue Miss Sugar Buns.
[Picard
and Data jump out of the holoship and into the lake, where Anij is floating on
an inner tube, sipping a margarita.]
Picard:
Hang on, we'll rescue you!
[He
swims up to the inner tube and pulls Anij into the water]
Picard:
Don't panic! I’ve got you!
[Data
blows up like a life raft]
Data:
In the event of a water landing, I am equipped to-
Anij:
Annoy the heck out of everyone in sight, I know. I swear, anyone still watching
this movie must have Gobstoppers for brains.
[Picard
and Data beam up. They materialize on the transporter pad soaking wet, and Worf
is waiting for them]
Worf:
Captain, Dr. Crusher wanted to speak to you when you returned.
Picard:
Wow, just when I thought you couldn't get any uglier . . . is that a zit on
your nose?
Worf:
No, it is a gorch.
Picard:
A porch?
Data:
Forget it, sir.
[They
walk out into the corridor and are joined my a newly beardless Riker]
Riker:
(Pointing to his face) Smooth as an android's bottom eh, Data?
Data:
And remarkably similar in appearance, I might add.
Riker:
Captain, Admiral Dougherty wants to know why we haven't left yet.
Picard:
Will, you look like Al Gore.
Data:
As I recall from reading the script, Commander Riker lost his beard during the
bathtub scene with Counselor Troi.
Riker:
Well, to be honest, uh, Deanna didn't really feel like shooting that scene
today.
Picard:
Does that have anything to do with the scratch marks on your neck?
Riker:
Okay, she tried to kill me when I suggested it. What can I say, she's crazy
about me.
Worf:
Not unless she's a Klingon.
[They
arrive at the door to Picard's quarters]
Riker:
Well, time for you to go in and do your little mambo
Picard:
Your Associate Producer would like to skip that scene and go directly to the
one with me and Anij on the planet. Or else he could leave here and go take the
Professor X role in the X-Men movie.
Riker:
(sighs) Whatever you say. (to the camera crew) Okay, we're going to Picard and
Anij on the planet, take one! Action!
[The
Ba'ku village at night. Picard knocks on Anij's door.]
[The
door opens and a flower pot comes flying out and hits Picard in the head]
[Later,
Picard finds Geordi on a hillside across the bridge from the village]
Geordi:
Captain, how'd you get that big bruise on your head?
Picard:
Why aren't you wearing your little blue contact lenses? Don't you know the
cameras are rolling?
Geordi:
Well, when Dr. Crusher removed the contacts, I found out that I could see as
well as anyone else.
Picard:
I'm not so sure that was a good idea.
Geordi:
Yeah, yeah, yeah-you're just jealous because the fans would rather see me get
sight than you get hair.
[Later,
Picard is in his ready room when the door chime rings. Dougherty and Ru'afo
enter.]
Dougherty:
Captain, how'd you get that bruise on your head?
Ru'afo:
Probably trying to put the moves on one of those women on the planet.
Picard:
Oh yeah? Well we found the holoship thingy!
Ru'afo:
Does that mean we have to listen to some of your long-winded moralizing?
Picard:
No, you can go back to your ship as soon as you shout "no" and bleed
on the carpet. Only the Admiral will be privileged to listen to one of my
brilliant, Oscar-worthy oratories.
Ru'afo:
Yeah, you'll get an Oscar for this movie the day that William Shatner becomes a
swimsuit model. [He walks out disgustedly]
Picard:
I won't let you move them, Admiral. I will take this straight to Rick Berman,
I'll fight you at every turn, I'll-
Dougherty:
Picard, if me and the Son'a just turn around and leave that'll be the end of
the movie.
Picard:
You may have a point.
[Later,
Picard is belowdecks breaking out a suitcase of phaser rifles. He's wearing
civilian clothes in place of his uniform]
Riker:
What's going on, Captain?
Troi:
Trying to keep all the best action sequences to yourself again?
Picard:
Return to your quarters, all of you. That's an order.
Riker:
Hey, don't forget who's the director here.
Crusher:
Besides, Deanna and I went to all the trouble to put on these high heeled boots
just so we could climb up mountains on the planet.
Data:
I feel obliged to point out that my contract guarantees me an equal amount of
screen time as you, Captain.
Picard:
Fine. You’re on the team as soon as soon as you say the catchphrase.
Data:
Sure. (Clears throat) Resistance . . . is futile!
Picard:
No, no, no! That’s from the last movie!
Data:
To hell with our orders!
Picard:
(furious) Noooooooo! One more chance!!
Data:
I have got it: KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!
Picard:
ARRRGH! Forget it, just forget it! Everybody not in uniform come with me. Will,
you and Geordi go spend some more of the special effects budget on a big space
battle.
Riker:
Yes, sir.
Picard:
Just don't crash the ship this time, ok?
Riker:
We'll be back before you know it.
Picard:
I never said you had to come back.
[The
Captain's Yacht detaches from the bottom of the saucer and flies down to the
planet, accompanied by dramatic music].
[Meanwhile,
on the Son'a ship, Ru'afo is sitting in his office playing a video game. Gallatin
Ru'afo:
Yes! I saved the princess again! That's the third time today; I say, Gallatin
Ru'afo:
Go get those people off the planet tonight-we're not waiting until morning! And
see if there are any sequels to Super Mario Brothers!
[Gallatin
[On
the planet, the Ba'ku village is in the midst of evacuation. Anij and Sojef are
listening to Picard explain the plan of action]
Picard:
So I'm thinking that we'll go way up the mountains and hide in the caves, see,
where it's real dark, and I'll get Anij separated from the rest of the group
and-
Anij:
And then I'll crush your skull with a rock.
Picard:
No, then we'll do our "perfect moment in time" scene.
Anij:
That's what I meant.
Sojef:
Look, this is all very interesting, but shouldn't we get going before the rest
of the audience walks out?
[Just
then, the night's tranquility is broken by the roar of Son'a shuttles flying
overhead]
Picard:
Let's get these people moving!
[The
shuttles start shooting at the surface, and everybody starts running.]
Worf:
Captain, they have destroyed some of our transport inhibitors. There is a gap
in the field!
[The
Son'a start beaming Ba'ku up at random. Sojef gets beamed up right before
Artim's eyes]
Artim:
Father! [He falls down and his little CGI palm-pet comes out of his knapsack.
When he reaches for it, it spritzes and turns into a tall, bipedal humanoid.]
Former
Palm Pet: Hello! Meesa called Jar-Jar Binks!
Artim:
AAAUGH!
[Later,
back on the Son'a flagship]
Ru'afo:
Why not?
Dougherty:
Because there isn't enough money left in the budget. We're past 50 million
already.
Ru'afo:
I'm sending down an assault team to take them by force!
Ru'afo:
And why not?
Ru'afo:
So what do you expect me to do, nothing? I'm a long shot for Best Supporting
Actor as it is! Being a do-nothing villain, that'll really score points with
the selection committee!
Ru'afo:
And it'll make me look like a nasty villain. I like it!
[A little
bit later, Picard and friends are leading the Ba'ku up a winding mountain path]
Data:
Artim, I have noticed that you seem to resent me . . .
Artim:
Yeah, I resent this whole stinkin’ movie! If it wasn’t for my worthless agent
I’d have gotten the part of Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars!
Data:
But why would you want it? You would have to spend several months in the Sahara Desert
Artim:
Yeah, but I’d have Natalie Portman for a co-star! With this crappy part the
closest thing I have to a co-star is you.
Data
(reading from script): Would it interest you to know that I have often tried to
imagine what it is like to be a child?
Artim
(sarcastically): Yeah, and I’ve tried to imagine what it’s like to be some
flabby hack who gets off on having gold makeup smeared all over him every two
years. Go jump in the lake. (He storms off, leaving Data by himself).
Data
(brightly): Hmm.
[At
the head of the procession, Worf runs up to Picard]
Worf:
Captain, the Ba'ku need rest.
Picard:
Good idea, we'll stop here. Break out some rations.
Jar-Jar
Binks: Ex-squeeze me . . .
Picard:
Get out of here! How many times to I have to tell you that you're in the wrong
movie?
Jar-Jar:
Look, one minute meesa walkin' around Tatooine with Qui-Gon Jinn and bein'
veery hot, and the next minute-boom! meesa here.
Data:
Captain, I believe I can modify my tricorder to send out a phased dekayon beam
that will eliminate all CGI objects that are not supposed to be in this movie.
Worf:
I have a better idea. [He pulls out his phaser and shoots Jar-Jar,
disintegrating him]
Picard:
Well done, Mr. Worf! I hereby promote you to Second Assistant Producer. Now if
you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my “perfect moment in time” scene with Anij.
[Data
walks over to Troi and Crusher to give them some rations]
Troi:
I can’t believe that we’re supposed to sit here and talk about our boobs.
Crusher:
Tell me about it! This is worse than a Braga
Data:
Indeed. I cannot understand why the writers thought the fanboys would be
entertained by two middle-aged women discussing their anatomy.
Troi:
Thanks a lot, Data. Why don’t you go annoy Worf?
[Data
walks off with a puzzled look on his face]
Data:
Worf, do women always get angry when you tell them the truth?
Worf:
Yes. They also get angry when you lie.
Data:
Then how do you communicate with them on a social level?
Worf:
By grunting all the time. It is the only way.
Data:
Speaking of women, I wonder how the Captain’s “perfect moment in time” is
going?
[Cut
to Anij and Picard, sitting together near a small waterfall]
Anij:
You know, my people have special powers. Would you like to see them in action?
Picard
(sleazily): Would I ever!
[Anij
concentrates, and suddenly the waterfall slows down to a dreamlike pace]
Picard:
That’s amazing!
[He’s
so transfixed by the waterfall that he doesn’t Anij picking up a rock and
preparing to smash him over the head with it]
Worf:
TAKE COVER!
[Son’a
shuttles roar overhead, dropping scores of robotic DRONES, which start to chase
the Ba’ku]
Anij:
What’s happening?
Picard:
Get the phaser rifles from off those llamas, Mr. Worf! It’s time for another
big action sequence!
[Picard’s
people grab their phasers and start shooting the drones]
Anij:
We can find shelter in that cave on top of the hill!
Picard:
But I want to stay out here and shoot things! It’s more theatrical!
Data:
Captain, may I remind you that the caves have many winding passageways, where
two people-such as a certain Associate Producer and his love interest-could
easily become separated from the group, thereby causing-
Picard:
Everyone, I have an idea! Let’s head for the caves!
[Meanwhile,
on the Enterprise
Lt.
Daniels: Commander, we’re being pursued by two Son’a ships!
Riker:
It must be time for the big space battle!
Daniels:
But sir, it shouldn’t be much of a battle at all! Those ships look like
overgrown croissants, and there’s no way they can stand up to our Type XI
phaser arrays and quantum torpedoes!
[Riker
gives him a stern look]
Daniels:
Uh, uh, I mean, it could be a long battle, sir! Lots of shooting and
explosions!
Riker:
That’s what the audience wants to hear.
Daniels:
(under his breath) As long as we fly slowly in little circles and never shoot
back.
Geordi:
(to Daniels) It’s called the Riker Maneuver.
[CUT
TO: the planet, where Picard and Worf are hustling everybody into caves while
bravely shooting down the oncoming drones]
Picard:
Get ready, Mr. Worf. Your big line’s coming up!
Worf:
What big line?
Picard:
The one that’s going to be in all the trailers!
Worf: I
just remembered! I left the script in my other pants!
[Just
then a drone comes flying toward him, and he smashes it with his phaser rifle]
Picard:
Say the line! Say the line!
Worf:
But I don’t remember what it is!!
Picard:
Just say SOMETHING!
Worf: Assimilate
this!!
Picard:
No no no! There aren’t any Borg in this movie!
Worf:
Uh, I protest! I am not a merry man!!
Picard:
It’s a conspiracy! You and Brent are conspiring to tank this movie and ruin my
debut as Associate Producer! Well you won’t make a Shatner out of me! Now get
into the cave, before I decide to leave you out here!
[They
enter the cave as we CUT TO the Enterprise
Daniels:
The Son’a have just detonated a balonium blast! A subspace tear is forming!
Riker:
(Looks at the viewscreen) That’s some special effect!
Geordi:
Yeah, and our warp core’s acting like a magnet to the tear! We’re pulling it
like a zipper across space!
[Daniels
has the Star Trek: TNG Tech Manual in his hands]
Daniels:
But that’s impossible! It says here in the tech manual-
Riker:
Shut up, Mr. Daniels! Geordi, what do we do?
Geordi:
We could eject the core!
Riker:
Would that stop the tear?
Geordi:
I don’t know, but it’d sure look cool on the big screen!
Riker:
That’s all I need to hear-let’s do it!
Geordi:
I just did.
[The
warp core is seen on the viewscreen, floating towards the shimmering subspace
tear]
Riker:
Detonate!
[The
warp core violently explodes, throwing the Enterprise
[Daniels
is on the floor with a fallen support beam on top of him]
Daniels
(in tears): Why couldn’t he just return fire? Why? WHY?!
Riker:
We’re through runnin’ from these bastards!
Daniels
(shouting tearfully): If you’d just return fire once in a while you’d never have to run from anybody!
Riker:
Medical team to the bridge. (He looks at Daniels) Tell ‘em to bring
straitjackets.
[Meanwhile,
on the Ba’ku planet Picard and co. have managed to get everyone into the caves]
Worf:
I have an odd feeling that I have been to these caves before.
Picard:
We need to find another exit. Data, Worf, you’re with me.
[The
three of them head down a winding passageway. Suddenly, they come face to face
with-]
Captain
Janeway: Picard! What are you doing in the Delta Quadrant! And why are you all
wearing such stupid outfits?
Picard:
What are you doing in our movie?
Janeway:
This isn’t your movie, it’s the latest episode of Voyager and you’re trapped
with me and my away team here on the planet of the week!
[Someone
else walks in from a different passageway]
Sisko:
What are you people doing in the Fire
Caves
Worf:
I knew this cave looked familiar!
Picard:
I can’t believe that the cast of a major motion picture has to share their cave
set with two TV shows! Jonathan, as Associate Producer I demand-
Jonathan
Frakes: Uh, we’re gonna need some time to sort this out. In the meantime, let’s
go back to the Battle
[In
the Briar Patch, the Enterprise
Riker:
Geordi, can we use the warp nacelles like a giant vacuum cleaner to suck up all
that deadly and unstable gas out there?
Geordi:
If you trying to get us blown up, you could just let the Son’a shoot at us some
more.
Riker:
No way! We’re going to collect as much of that gas as we can, then shove it
down their throats!
Geordi:
Y’know, I was looking over that Tech Manual that Daniels had, and it says we
have these weapons called “phasers” that-
Riker:
That does it! You’re relegated to the part of a silent extra for the rest of
the movie! And put your blue contacts back in! No more sight for you, PBS-boy!
Now . . .
[He
stands up and rubs his hands together]
Riker:
Computer! Activate manual steering column!
Daniels
(whispering): Please don’t let it be a steering wheel, please don’t let it be a
steering wheel!
[The
manual steering column rises up out of the floor, and Daniels comes completely
unhinged as the medical personnel drag him away]
Daniels
(shouting): A joystick?!! That’s the same joystick my kid has on his PC!! It
came from Wal-Mart!! It costs $14.95!!!!!
[Riker
grimly clutches the joystick and leans sideways]
Riker:
Blow out the ramscoop!
[The Enterprise Enterprise
[Meanwhile,
Anij, Data, Worf, Beverly
Picard:
Well, Anij and I were supposed to have a romantic scene together, but
our worthless director couldn’t clear those insignificant television people out
of our cave set.
Anij:
Yeah, and you ran out of there like a little girl after Kate Mulgrew punched
you in the face.
[Suddenly,
four Drones fly up and hover in front of them. Data, Worf, Beverly
[On
the orbiting Son’a ship, Picard and Anij are in a large holding cell with the
rest of the captured Ba’ku]
Picard:
I can’t believe we got captured!
Anij:
I can’t believe I missed my chance to drop you off the side of the mountain!
Picard:
You know, I just love the Nick-and-Nora-Charles love-hate relationship we have
going.
Anij
(looks deeply into his eyes): I see our relationship the same way.
Picard
(visibly brightening): Really?
Anij:
Except for the “love” part.
[The
forcefield is dropped and Admiral Dougherty marches in]
Dougherty:
Order them to surrender and I promise you won’t be court-martialed.
Picard:
You don’t watch much Star Trek, do you? The court always rules in the Captain’s
favor; do your worst!
[Ru’afo
storms in]
Ru’afo:
The Enterprise
Picard:
That’s impossible! The last time I left Riker in command he let my ship get
destroyed by a spaceborne Yugo full of Klingons.
Ru’afo:
See for yourself! (He thrusts a padd into Picard’s hand)
Picard:
I hate to break it to you, but the only thing on this padd is the Gilligan’s Island theme song.
Ru’afo
(furious): WHAT?!
Picard
(shrugs): It must be another one of Mike Okuda’s in-jokes.
Ru’afo:
Forget it! I’m going to launch the injector!
Dougherty:
But you can’t! If you spend the rest of the budget on crappy special effects,
there’ll be nothing left to pay us!
Ru’afo:
You mean nothing left to pay you. I was paid in advance.
[He
stalks out]
Picard:
Wait, come back! You missed the Big Revelation! The Son’a and the Ba’ku are the
same . . . I mean they have the same, uh . . .
Sojef:
Spit it out!
Picard:
Blast! I forgot the line!
Dougherty:
Well, this movie has been a total waste. I might as well follow Ru’afo to the
plastic surgery salon so he can kill me.
Picard:
I wish you would.
[Dougherty
leaves]
[One nonsensical
scene later, Ru’afo walks onto the bridge.]
Ru’afo:
Admiral Dougherty will not be joining us for dinner.
Ru’afo:
Because humans taste too much like chicken. Prepare to launch the injector, and
eject all the Starfleet personnel into space.
[Gallatin
[Meanwhile
in the holding cell, Picard is taking some kind of triangular wall fixture
apart]
Picard:
I saw Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock do this once . . .they were locked in a jail
cell, and Spock did something with the light bulb to create a laser beam that
burned the lock off the door . . .
Anij:
Then why are you taking apart the smoke alarm?
[Gallatin
[They
leave the cell and walk out into the corridor]
Picard:
I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but I really feel sorry for you.
According to the script, Worf picks you up and throws you like a javelin into a
mob of attackers in a couple of scenes.
[They
come to a turbolift]
[They
get into the turbolift, and the door closes]
Picard:
Of course Rick Berman and I were talking, and he thinks that if we made you
sort of a last minute hero, then we could rewrite the script and put you in the
arms of one of those single Ba’ku women at the end of the movie.
Picard
(with conviction): I’m not pleading for my life. I’m prolonging the movie.
[Gallatin
Picard:
Just let me borrow your cell phone.
[A few
minutes later, on the bridge . . .]
Son’a
officer: There’s a ship coming up from the surface. It says it’s here to deliver
a pizza.
Ru’afo:
That’s great, I’m starving! Lower the shields.
[The
shields go down, and suddenly there’s a big flash of light]
Son’a
officer: The pizza delivery ship is gone!
Ru’afo:
We’ll find him later. Do not delay the countdown.
[The
countdown clock ticks down to zero, and the picture on the screen changes to .
. .]
Ru’afo
(furious): Super Mario Bros?! Where’s my eternal youth?!
[He
twists his head back and lets out a frustrated yell]
[Meanwhile,
on the real bridge
of Ru’afo
Picard:
What was that noise? It sounded like a chicken falling into a wood chipper.
Picard:
Sounds like fun. Beam me over there, too.
[A few
minutes later, Picard materializes on board the injector, and is greeted by a
phaser blast from Ru’afo]
[Meanwhile,
the rest of Ru’afo’s crew breaks through to the bridge. Gallatin
Worf:
Wait! I will surrender to you if you join me in the Warrior’s Challenge.
First
Alien: What’s the Warrior’s Challenge?
Worf:
A test of bravery from Beta Antares IV. It is called Fizzbin.
[On
board the injector, Picard is still evading Ru’afo]
Riker
(speaking over the intercom): Captain, we’re minutes away, what’s your status?
Picard:
Halfway through my Final Confrontation action sequence. How can you be talking
to me, I don’t have my combadge?
Riker:
Whoops.
[On the
Son’a ship, Worf has Ru’afo’s crew gathered around a console and is dealing out
cards]
Worf:
The player to the dealer’s right gets one card, except on Tuesday . . .
[Back
on the injector, Picard has finally reached the control console and is frantically
looking over the controls]
Picard:
I don’t believe it!
Ru’afo:
Stop! (he points his phaser at Picard)
Picard:
How dare you build a doomsday weapon without a clearly labeled self-destruct
button!
Ru’afo:
Did you really think I’d be stupid enough to do that?
Picard:
Well, you did take this role . . .
Ru’afo:
Enough, Picard! The injector will launch any second, and there’s nothing you
can do about it!
Picard:
Except this! (He whips out a rectangular device that’s studded with buttons)
Ru’afo:
What’s that?
Picard
(grinning triumphantly): A universal remote!
[He
presses the big red SELF DESTRUCT button on the remote, and the injector starts
to explode]
Ru’afo:
Maybe I’m going to die, Picard, but it’ll be the best death scene ever! I’ll be
launched into the planet’s rings and grow younger and younger until-
[The
explosions get closer]
Picard:
Oh, haven’t you heard? There’s been a rewrite.
Ru’afo:
WHAT?!
[The
explosions are right underneath them]
Picard:
You die in a big fireball. (He is caught in the Enterprise
Ru’afo:
ARRRRRRRGHHHHH
[The
injector blows into a million pieces]
[Picard
walks onto the bridge of the Enterprise
Riker:
Captain, Paramount Pictures has asked me to inform you that this movie has been
a total failure at the box office, and everyone walked out of the theater an
hour and a half ago except for the wino passed out in the third row.
Picard:
What’s he still doing here?
Riker:
His feet are stuck to the floor.
[Hours
later, Picard and friends are back on the planet as the Ba’ku return to their
village. Picard and Anij are walking through the village together]
Anij:
Hey, what’s that Son’a doing groping that woman over there?
Picard:
Ignore it. It’s a last minute addition to his contract. So, the love interest
thing wasn’t so bad, was it? In fact, (he moves closer to her) we even have
plans for a sequel.
Anij
(gazes warmly into Picard’s eyes): You know, when you’ve lived for three hundred
years like I have, you pick up certain exotic skills . . .
Picard
(grins sleazily): Oh? Like what?
Anij:
Martial arts! HIIIIIIIII-YAH!
[Meanwhile,
Worf notices the Ba’ku gathered around a table. He walks over to investigate,
only to find . . .]
Worf:
Quark, what are you doing here?
Quark:
Signing autographs, what does it look like I’m doing? Haven’t you heard, my
scene’s been cut. I’ve got to do something to make this movie profitable
for me.
Worf:
That is impossible. This movie will not even be profitable for Paramount
[He
looks at the pictures Quark is signing, and notices something]
Worf:
Quark, most of these pictures are not yours.
[Quark
signs a Seven of Nine picture as “Jeri Ryan” and gives it to Artim, who gives
him a wad of bills.]
Quark:
And you point is?
Worf:
The Licensing department will not be pleased.
Quark:
Who’s gonna tell ‘em?
[Worf
looks around, and makes a decision.]
Worf
(bending down to whisper into Quark’s ear): Do you have any William Shatner
autographs?
Quark:
Come back in five minutes.
[Much
later, Picard limps back to where his crew is gathered. He is bruised and
bloodied. His officers look at him with shock]
Picard
(sternly): Don’t ask!
[All
of the Ba’ku are gathered to see the Enterprise
Artim:
So . . . are you an angel?
[Anij
steps to the forefront of the crowd, and Picard ducks behind Worf]
Picard:
Take us out of here, Number One!
[The
crew dissolves into sparkling transporter beam as the music swells]
[CUT
TO the exterior of the Enterprise
Picard:
Engage!
[Nothing
happens]
Picard:
Number One . . .
Riker
(nervously): Uhh, yeah?
Picard:
Please tell me that we’re not so far over budget that we can’t afford a simple
“warp speed” effect.
Riker:
No, but Rick and I were talking, and he mentioned that the fans have never seen
a warp core ejection on the big screen before . . .
[ROLL
CREDITS]
THE
END (finally)
